41...

Another trip around the sun. Another 365 days written in my little book of life. Per usual, I spent the last week before my birthday deep in my thoughts, thinking back over the past year and all it held. Overall a good one. Much to be thankful for. I find that I continue to know myself better, continue to have a better idea of who I am - strengths, flaws and everything in between. Much has changed in the last ten years. Everything, really, except for being M's mom. My 30's were a roller coaster of emotional events, many firsts, lots of upheaval and change, more job changes than I care to admit, plenty of laughter, a few moments I wasn't sure I would ever experience on my own, and maybe most important of all...the realization that we are all truly here to support one another and it is in our most difficult, deepest, darkest hours where we find those who will carry us when we don't have the strength to stand on our own.
I don't want another decade like my 30's. I pray for less uncertainty and more stability. Yes, I made it through and most of what happened during those years was in response to choices I made, so very little of it just happened to me...but, still, I am hopeful that I have learned some tough lessens and am in a better place emotionally and financially to hopefully keep from repeating some of them. That said, I still want to really live. To explore and seek adventure, to make ridiculous memories with the people I love most, to chase after as many sunsets as possible and look for the good along the way.
I'm now "in my 40's", not just 40. For a while I thought that might bother me more than turning 40 did, but I woke up on my birthday feeling really good about it. I think there's something reaffirming about turning the page on a "big" year and opening the door to the next chapter. For me, at least, I feel less pressure to make this year monumental. I tend to feel like I have to make every moment count, and often set expectations well beyond healthy levels placing unnecessary pressure on myself to make things like milestone birthdays bigger than they need to be. My 40's will be full of change in many other ways...my girl is growing up at a rapid pace and with that comes the realization that my biggest role is quickly changing and I'm not sure how I feel about it. She is about to start high school and since I still feel like it was just yesterday that I was doing the same thing, I struggle with how to help her navigate the things she is facing with the wisdom of time and grace of experience. I find myself looking back on my life in blocks of time with the focus on 20-year increments as of late for some reason. Maybe it's because if I think about how quickly the past 20 years have gone it scares the hell out of me to think of how fast the next 20 are gonna come. I find myself unsure of how to give her good advice sometimes because I'm not sure if I've really got any to give mostly because so often I feel like I'm still somewhere around 18-20 with my life spread out in front of me and no idea where I'm going or how on earth I'm going to get there. Yet, somehow, I'm twice that age and still trying to figure out how to "adult" most of the time. Time truly does keep flying by, and for the most part age is just a number, but the life that surrounds that number is what matters.
I won't lie. I still struggle with my place in this world. My identity isn't always clear and I still fight the same stupid insecurities...being enough in all its facets taking center stage as always. I'm not sure I will ever outgrow that. What I do know is that without all the experiences of the past, I wouldn’t have anything to write about. It’s up to us to live the life placed before us. We don’t get to choose the cards we are dealt, but it’s up to us to play the hell out of the hand we are holding. So...here’s to 41. May I have the wisdom to be the mom M needs, the spirit to seek new adventures without fear, the grace to see others for who they are without expectation and the ability to find more joy than anxiety in whatever comes my way.