Our healthcare system is broken - self-serving and designed for the "masses" yet failing miserably for many who need it most. The cracks in it aren't the fault of one man, and I'm not the least bit interested in a political debate about who created what plan or who we should blame (how on earth is something so desperately flawed the work of one person - it's just not possible so get over it.) We live in the most prosperous, bountiful, powerful country in the world and yet people still go hungry and hard-working people can not afford quality healthcare. The new system "works" in that people who could never get insurance before because of pre-existing conditions can now get coverage, but what about those who are too sick to work enough to make the minimum annual salary needed to qualify for the discounts? Here in our great state of Missouri, we have a HUGE gap in Medicaid coverage that allows way too many people to fall through the cracks - people who want to work, want to be responsible and contributing members of society yet can't because they are simply, sadly too sick to do so - these people can't make enough to barely live, much less pay the insanely high monthly insurance rates (nevermind the ridiculous deductibles and co-pays that accompany them) yet they (in their attempt to try and keep a roof over their heads and food on their tables) make too much to qualify for healthcare assistance. These are working people! Not people on the streets selling drugs or stealing or trying to take advantage of the system! People who need help, yet they hit wall after wall after wall and end up on the phone pleading with the MO Medicaid office, pleading for help to be told simply that there is nothing available.
This has nothing to do with my job - not today anyway. What I'm fighting for now is much greater, much more personal and I'm done sitting by while I watch someone I love get sicker by the day because we would rather spend more time fighting about whose fault it is, or blaming politicians rather than find a real solution to the problem. Truth be told, I know there isn't an answer at this point - greed and money have rendered that impossible. I have had several increasingly difficult conversations with my sister - someone who was born with a major heart defect that is, as we speak, doing its damnedest to kill her and because she is one of those unnamed aforementioned people, she doesn't qualify for coverage - doesn't qualify for the life-saving coverage that would allow her to see her doctor and get the tests, procedures and medications she needs to survive. Last night, after another of these conversations, I laid in bed and cried...no, that's putting it mildly...I sobbed, that gut-wrenching, ugly cry that finds you shoving your face into your pillow so your sleeping child won't hear you...I cried for Sarah, cried for all of us who love her and feel like our hands are tied - such a horrific, suffocating feeling - and found myself not only sad, but increasingly angry. Angry at the unfairness of it all. Angry that we don't know where to start to get her the help she needs. Angry that I feel helpless and can't stand sitting by watching her fight through exhaustion to work a couple days a week just to provide something for her children. Angry that I honestly don't know what to do and, most of all, angry that there are people bitching about senseless bull shit when there are real problems (and people with real names, real lives) that need to be addressed and solved. I don't ask for help very often - yes, I am prideful and for that I miss out on opportunities - but today I'm asking for help. I feel like there is strength in numbers - more minds, more hearts, more people must be able to do something. Someone must know how to navigate the system. I know I will never forgive myself if I sit back and wait for her to get sicker - something that is happening at a rapid rate these days - when I could have possibly done something, anything to help. No, we can't change the system in one day. No, we can't fight the giant insurance companies overnight. But, we can work to help the families who really need help, one person at a time. It's not just about money. It's about facing the issue. It's about working together to find answers and sharing information when we have it. We each have areas of expertise - use them! And then, reach out to those you know who need help and offer what you can. Unless you've found yourself here, you have no way of knowing how heartbreaking it is to watch someone you love fight just to live, only to know they must make desperate, awful choices because there is no viable option. Do what you can. Don't be blind to what is right in front of you. And stop wasting time on a political debate over something that can't be solved by politicians.
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Is it possible to see perfection in something imperfect? I was walking Charlie and saw this tiny, red leaf - it was much, much smaller and delicate in person...so much so that I bent down to pick it up and that's when I noticed the brown tips...the "imperfect" parts of what I had initially thought was the "perfect little fall leaf". As I turned it over in my hand I saw the crack in the middle - a "scar" of some sort, but from what? I know this is just a little red leaf; nothing special, it's brown tips and tiny crack represent nothing other than the fact nature has a way of touching everything. But, what I started thinking about was our imperfections...our scars...(both visual and unseen) and how they appear to others who only see the "perfect" version we work so hard to show the world. If someone stopped and stripped me of my bubbly spirit, would they see the insecurities I hide? If they looked hard enough, would they see the things I scrutinize over when I look in the mirror? Would they see the shame and the guilt I carry? Would they see my fears, my failures? Would they see the cracks in my past, the pieces that don't perfectly line up? Would they see the things I've tried and quit? Would they see my worries and longings for things to be different in areas of my life? Or...would they see me as a whole? Would they be able to see past my imperfections and see me, generally, as a whole, as something...someone...perfect? I suppose that's what I'm looking for. Someone...one person...who is able to do just that. To take every one of those things and see me as perfect...perfect for them...in all my imperfection. But...isn't that what we're all in search of? Even if it's just OUR ability to see ourselves as perfect...beautifully and wonderfully flawed, but perfect...
So...here goes nothing! Writing became a passion of mine way back in the fourth grade - thank you very much, Mrs. Barrett for assigning us to create a "book". Most students wrote a few pages. Me? 19. Typed, illustrated and bound; my "masterpiece" sparked something in me that, at times, has felt almost as natural (and necessary) as breathing. I wrote consistently for several years...filling notebook after notebook. Writing mostly stories about girls my own age leading lives I felt were just normal enough to be real, yet exceptional enough to be interesting. My friends passed these stories around giving me the drive I needed to keep writing. Until one day I just...stopped. The stories didn't come anymore and I felt like a part of me had died. I spent years ignoring that part of myself until I was going through my divorce and all of a sudden I found myself wanting, needing, to not only express some of my thoughts and feelings, but to also rediscover that part of me I had somehow buried/lost so many years before. For the past six years, "blogging" about my life has become something very important to me. I've shared my highs and my lows...writing as honestly as I can about life and all of its nitty, gritty, beautiful, unbelievable moments. What I haven't done...yet always want to do...is write an actual book - something totally different than what I do on here...a story, not unlike real life, yet full of characters I create. My dear friend, Lacey, encouraged me to try this...National Novel Writing Month...and while I'm starting a few days late, I've decided it's a great way to help me get started. Oddly, the first thing I had to do (aside from setting up my account on their website) was "create my novel" by giving it a title. Now, what you may not know about me, I am terrible at simple things like captions and titles. Back in high school journalism class, I would scrutinize over photo captions and to this day, I still struggle with simple, one-line statements. (It might have something to do with the fact I'm a bit long-winded....a rambler some might say...you think?) Anyway, I decided not to take too much time over-thinking this one thing and went with the first thing that came to mind..."The Space Between Us". I would love to tell you I have this great plot all planned out, but I don't. But, I know I want to do it...like it's somehow time. I guess we'll see... Here's to another chapter (hahaha...) in my writing...fingers crossed something good comes out of all of this!
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