Bread & Butter

Tonight, as I buttered slices of bread for grilled ham and cheese sandwiches, I found myself thinking about how carefully I was trying to be with the knife...being sure to spread the butter evenly and to the edges...thinking as I did so, this was one simple way I am "momming"...you know, taking the time and effort to to love on our children through otherwise mundane acts of service we provide for the little (or, in my case, not so little) people we created.      
This turned into thinking about how we care for others...sometimes gently, with great effort, focusing on the ways they need to be loved, putting our needs/wants second...sometimes we do so carelessly, rushing through the task at hand, putting our needs above theirs, choosing not to love them in the ways they need to be loved...and I can admit to doing both - regularly.  No excuses here, just honesty.  Sometimes it's easy to love on people - either because we truly have, or make, the time, or because they are simply easy to love on.  Sometimes, though, life gets in the way - a busy day, a headache, lack of resources, whatever it is...or...and this part is the kicker...or, we simply CHOOSE not to love them in the ways they need to be (i.e. the ways they RECEIVE love - look up the Five Love Languages for a full description of this) loved because we don't FEEL like it out of either laziness or resentment or hurt or some other dirty little excuse that ultimately causes more harm than good.
So, as I stood there spreading butter on our slices of bread, taking the time to do so slowly and intentionally, because I had A) the time and B) the desire, I also thought of all the times I don't do things with nearly so much intention and love and I felt a pang of shame.  See, M gets one childhood.  And, the people I care about may stop giving me chances.  And my bad day, or headache, or exhaustion is no excuse for not giving my best to those I love if at all possible.  But, there are MANY times that's exactly what they get...less than my best...a tired, cranky, sharp-tongued, impatient, insecure, quick to judge, over-assuming, less than accepting, pitiful excuse for a mom/friend/sister/daughter.  What makes all of this worse, is the realization that when we're hurting, or trying to protect ourselves, we are much more intentional about the ways we love...or don't love others.  We know the things they need, yet withhold them out of anger, pride (that's a biggie), distrust and even shame.  Loving others selflessly requires us to be vulnerable with them...to open ourselves to the idea that we may not get something in return, and our selfish tendencies make that hard a lot of the time.  In my old job I used to say that I tried to meet my families right where they were, to not ask them to be something they weren't ready to be, to give them whatever support they needed in that moment and most of the time I found that fairly easy.  What I found, ultimately, is that while it was easy to do that in my work life, I was not so good at it in my personal life.  I ask too much of people sometimes...want them to be something they aren't ready to be...find it hard to meet them right where they are because, selfishly, I want them to be more somehow/someway.  Which is totally unfair.  I am working on this.  
Lastly, when I titled this post, I initially thought it was silly to call it "Bread & Butter", but then I realized that when it really comes down to it, the need to be, and feel, loved is as essential as breathing...it is the "bread & butter" of living.  Without it we feel alone, anxious, stressed - read up on this, it's true.  We associate feeling loved with all sorts of things, which is why so much emphasis is put on making sure children feel loved because it helps create a sense of security within them, even in the worse circumstances.  And, I don't know about you, but I would much rather create a sense of security for those I care about than any measure of insecurity ('cause, come on, we've all got more than enough of that going on already).  There is a laundry list of things I'm TRYING to work on right now...top two:  thinking before I speak - "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all", and battling my insecurities/jealous tendencies - my ugliest traits that to date have reached an all-time high and I can't even stand to be around me a lot of the time so I understand why others steer clear.  Mostly, I'm trying to learn to control/guide my thoughts - I keep reading about how our thoughts control our emotions and as an emotional person, I think I need to stop allowing myself to focus on negative things because they then influence how I feel.  And...oddly enough, I was literally just dubbed the Vice President of Sunshine by someone at work so it's good to know that side of me shows more often than I sometimes think.  Okay, somehow I just rambled a lot...imagine that.  But, ultimately, butter the bread of those you love carefully, intentionally.  Don't be careless or reckless with them.  Think of how being loved in the ways you need makes you feel and then do more of that for others.