There has been a cute little table...round, wooden of the kitchen-table sort sitting in the third floor exterior hallway of my apartment building for a week and a half now. I have no idea where it came from, but it is almost identical to mine, but painted a pretty blue and cream. I've asked neighbors and no one knows anything about it and every time I walk past it to leave or walk Charlie or to come home I wonder who on earth would just drop a pretty little table in such a random, inconvenient place. It has two drop-leaf sides and one is folded down so it is butted right up against the wall across from my door, between the two apartments, like someone purposely put it there for the long-haul not just to drop it off while they went and grabbed chairs or moved something out of the way to set it into its permanent home.
Initially I simply thought it was cute and everyone who comes over asks about it, each one saying they should grab it and give it a good home yet no one has. But then, last night after a particularly hard, painful day, I walked up my stairs, past the pretty little table and all I could think of was the word "possibility". I had thoughts of setting a vase of wild flowers in the middle and placing a plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies with a little note letting anyone who may pass by know they should take one and enjoy it just because. I found myself imagining dinners with those I love sitting around that table...totally symbolic, I know, given that over the past couple months I've barely used the microwave much less cooked a real meal for anyone and I'm sure I'm craving that sense of creating something that brings people together....and, maybe I'm missing feeling needed and appreciated a little...and, if I'm totally honest, I'm feeling a little lonely, with that ever-recurring sense that something is missing in my life and wishing I was part of a family who would likely take me for granted more often than appreciate me, yet maybe give me enough love to make up for all of that.
Yesterday I started a post entitled "Choices". I typed two lines...something about how we all have them, we all make them and many don't matter in the grand scheme while a few others leave a wake of destruction, havoc, joy (fill in the blank with your own emotion). But then as my day went on I found myself unable to write that post. It's cliche' and typical and I want to be anything but cliche' and typical. I could tell you that yesterday I was both the windshield and the bug (VERY typical cliche'.) I could tell you that right now I find myself a little upside down, a bit bumped and bruised (emotionally) and trying really hard to seek God's direction for some things in my life yet unable to really ask Him. What is that anyway? Why do I avoid asking for help? From anyone. It's like I think I have to do it all alone and while I've never used prideful to describe myself (well, does anyone?), I guess that's what it comes down to. I have to let go of that and figure out how to be okay with the fact I can't do it all rather than wasting parts of my life simply because I'm afraid to seek help.
But possibility...yes, possibility. I recently finished a book by one of my favorite authors and I wrote down a couple quotes (as I often do when reading her work):
"What's the point in loving anything when it will just change or be taken away?"
"The point in loving is only that. And when you lose something you have to remember that then there is room for the next thing. And there is always a next thing."
"The best things in life have no hard evidence to support them. Hope. Faith. Love."
and finally, "The greatest understanding of a thing is when you can't reduce it any further."
- Elizabeth Berg, Tapestry of Fortunes
Each of these represents possibility to me...possibility and hope and the belief in absolute understanding, forgiveness and acceptance. You know, those things we all seek to feel yet rarely take the time to offer. Where can we be a possibility to someone else? Can we work harder to fully understand someone and then meet them where they are and accept them in that place? Is it possible to allow ourselves to remember there is always a "next thing" when feeling hurt or lonely? And, is it possible to really spend our life with the true focus on those three little things that have no evidence to support them and if we did, would we then find absolute peace, worth, acceptance, joy, mercy, grace - not only for others, but maybe more importantly...for ourselves? Seek possibility....