I bought myself new furniture. For the first time in my single life. My own. Not something someone gave me when I had nothing and was starting over. Not something I chose with my husband. Not something handed down to me from family. No. Mine. Stuff I chose. Stuff that when I look at it I see me, my taste, my personality...and I am beside myself happy.
We've lived in this little apartment for almost three years now. And for three years I've kept my little life just so, terrified (if I'm honest) of making any real change - other than my job - that could potentially upset the fragile balance I've created. In this way I'm no different than many of the families I work with which makes me very empathetic to them and has also opened my eyes to the complete feeling of "stuck" I not only see them battling but have finally come to realize I battle as well. I finally admitted that I saw buying new furniture much like I see buying a house - I honestly don't think I ever thought I would be single this long and would ultimately do both with someone rather than alone...and I'm finally sick of sitting on the sidelines of my life simply because I'm waiting on someone to share it with. That probably sounds a little pretentious, but I don't mean for it to. It's not like I think I'm anything special, but I see it happen to people all the time - somehow they get divorced and are remarried almost instantly. Clearly that's not what was in my plan, and I'm okay with that. I just finally got honest with myself and realized I was sitting back, waiting for someone to come along and create a life with me rather than enjoy the one I already have. What a waste. I can see several ways I've done it - almost creating a safe little shell around myself, around us, that keeps me from stepping forward in many ways. I find myself committing to very little, keeping myself open, but for what? Almost like I think I might miss out on something, but I can't even put my finger on what that something is. In many ways I've retreated and give of myself to only a few people and things that really matter (matter meaning I've given them priority, deemed them "safe" enough that I feel in control of what could happen, or used them as a buffer to keep me from truly giving of myself to something that could ultimately be real...could ultimately hurt me) at this point, but in so doing have eliminated some very important ones along the way. My little life...our little life...is a good one. I share it with many wonderful people and have come to enjoy my independence. I am thankful for so much and realize some things I've let slide that I used to hold very dear. I am trying now to make a conscious effort to make some much needed changes. So...the furniture is symbolic. Like taking a step forward...accepting and appreciating where I am in my single life and embracing everything it holds right now in this moment. It came this morning and I felt...almost like the windows inside of me had been opened and fresh air was finally coming in....I felt proud that I had made this commitment to myself, to create a space I would love, not dependent on anyone else, not waiting on anyone else but simply living for me.
We've lived in this little apartment for almost three years now. And for three years I've kept my little life just so, terrified (if I'm honest) of making any real change - other than my job - that could potentially upset the fragile balance I've created. In this way I'm no different than many of the families I work with which makes me very empathetic to them and has also opened my eyes to the complete feeling of "stuck" I not only see them battling but have finally come to realize I battle as well. I finally admitted that I saw buying new furniture much like I see buying a house - I honestly don't think I ever thought I would be single this long and would ultimately do both with someone rather than alone...and I'm finally sick of sitting on the sidelines of my life simply because I'm waiting on someone to share it with. That probably sounds a little pretentious, but I don't mean for it to. It's not like I think I'm anything special, but I see it happen to people all the time - somehow they get divorced and are remarried almost instantly. Clearly that's not what was in my plan, and I'm okay with that. I just finally got honest with myself and realized I was sitting back, waiting for someone to come along and create a life with me rather than enjoy the one I already have. What a waste. I can see several ways I've done it - almost creating a safe little shell around myself, around us, that keeps me from stepping forward in many ways. I find myself committing to very little, keeping myself open, but for what? Almost like I think I might miss out on something, but I can't even put my finger on what that something is. In many ways I've retreated and give of myself to only a few people and things that really matter (matter meaning I've given them priority, deemed them "safe" enough that I feel in control of what could happen, or used them as a buffer to keep me from truly giving of myself to something that could ultimately be real...could ultimately hurt me) at this point, but in so doing have eliminated some very important ones along the way. My little life...our little life...is a good one. I share it with many wonderful people and have come to enjoy my independence. I am thankful for so much and realize some things I've let slide that I used to hold very dear. I am trying now to make a conscious effort to make some much needed changes. So...the furniture is symbolic. Like taking a step forward...accepting and appreciating where I am in my single life and embracing everything it holds right now in this moment. It came this morning and I felt...almost like the windows inside of me had been opened and fresh air was finally coming in....I felt proud that I had made this commitment to myself, to create a space I would love, not dependent on anyone else, not waiting on anyone else but simply living for me.
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