12.3.2015....

It hit me today that I love the holiday season, but that the actual day of Christmas makes me sad. I love all of the preparations and parties, all of the time spent with people I don't see very often, the cards and gifts, the way everything that will look cold and dead in a few weeks looks magical while lit up with twinkle lights. I am encouraged by the spirit, lifted by the generosity. I find myself nostalgic and introspective, looking for meaning in places I may otherwise overlook. I seek the Child even when I've been blind to His grace most of the year. I reach for the familiar and crave tradition constantly trying to create memories that I so desperately need to carry me from year to year. I remember Christmases past...caramel corn, peanut brittle and fudge made so lovingly by my mom and grandmothers...Chrismas morning "rules" I've carried from my childhood and others I've made up as I go along.
There is a sense of joy that comes from seeing friends and family if only for moments. A best friend who will travel with her family across the country whose hug can literally erase miles and time. Families take a break from all the crap if only for a moment to remember the real reason behind all the shopping, stockings and National Lampoon movies. We reminisce the past, embrace the present and look forward to the future with optimism and excitement. For a few weeks we toast co-workers and friends, seeing only the good and momentarily forgetting the bad.
I love a full calendar. Parties and events, reasons to get dressed up, champagne and promises. I become more mindful, more thankful...more...lonely. Yes...I am human, and real...and when it's all said and done, I find myself feeling lonely. Christmas Day most of all. I find myself longing for something...what, I'm not entirely sure. It's a combination of the let down I feel when vacation is over and the dream of what I want it to be...it's just a day, like any other...yet, somehow, we build it up to be so much more. I think we try to make one day make up for all the other crappy ones from throughout the year. We set standards we can never live up to and wind up disappointed when the reality doesn't even come close. It's not about the gifts. It's about the people, the magic and the spirit. It's about sharing the day with those we love yet remembering it is just a day...it may be Christmas, but Christmas could be any day and we put too much emphasis on one 24 hour period. It's about carrying the joy beyond December 25th.
I want more this year. More of the people I love. More laughter. More remembering. More memories. More champagne and fudge. More grace. More love. More forgiving. It may not happen, but I'm sure gonna try.