2014...

2014...I keep trying to write a summary of this past year and I find myself stuck at the same place over and over again.  Blank.  Nothing.  Uneventful.  Safe.  Unchanged.  Little happened over the past 12 months.  I think this is one of those years where I should just let it be and instead be thankful for the quiet, the lack of drama, the lack of crazy, the...mostly calm year I have just laid to rest.  What unrest I did experience was either mostly of my own doing, or ultimately taught me tough lessons that left me better equipped to handle the future.  But, I think "safe" is maybe the best word to describe my 2014.  I am ashamed to say, I basically sat back and watched my life pass by rather than do anything to help it manifest into something more.  There are memories, for sure.  It's not that I didn't live, because I definitely did, but for the most part I was stagnant...waiting for something, or someone, to change instead of taking the bull by the horns and setting the course for MY life.  I've held back.  I've refrained from saying difficult things that needed to be said.  I've let others' happiness be more important than mine.  I allowed others to undermine me and make me question my ability to do my job.  I set my feelings aside. I've put myself in situations that caused me ridiculous amounts of insecurity and ultimately made me feel like less as a woman - in my eyes anyway.  I stopped...growing...for lack of better words.  I think that's why writing has been so hard for me these past few months.  It's like I got lost or something.  Even the things I'm proud of from the past year have just been sliding by with next to no help from me.  How does this happen?  I'm not sure.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I stopped putting myself in situations to learn, to grow.  I pulled away from church and didn't make any effort whatsoever to be open to God's plan for my life. Clearly that's working out great.  Thankfully I'm pretty sure He's still interested in me and hasn't given up completely on my hardheaded ass...I can hope anyway.  I haven't made my interests, my goals, my future a true priority.  I sorta set all of that on a shelf for a while not bothering to consider that without any effort on my part, nothing is going to change - and especially not for the better.  


I still regret nothing...regret being the key word.  There are definitely things I wish had gone differently, words I wish I had (or hadn't) said, hugs I wish I had given, anger I wish I had controlled better, initiative I wish I had taken, moments I wish I hadn't let slip by and effort I wish I had made.  But, as always, I can't go back.  I can only go forward.  Never once do I think I wasted time on anyone.  Never once do I regret extending grace - not in my professional or my personal life.  I feel less guarded, but wiser.  It might be the little voice inside of me screaming to trust my gut, demanding to be heard, pushing me to stop being so damn cautious and just do and say all the shit I've been holding back.  


2015 marks 20 years as an adult.  A milestone of sorts, I suppose.  I don't really care about a reunion.  I see the friends I most care about as much as possible (well, is that really true?  I'm also fairly certain I haven't been making the same effort to see my girlfriends as I wish.), and while I wouldn't mind seeing others I grew up with, I'm really not interested in coordinating the thing.  Later this year I will turn 38.  I'm shaking my head even as I write this.  I mean, really.  Thirty-eight.  It's a number, I know, and one half of my best friends have already hit beautifully, yet for some reason it just sounds weird.  Maybe because I feel like I should have accomplished more by now?  Maybe because I'm terrified of time passing by at the rapid rate it seems to be?  Maybe because of all that crap I said above about sitting idle for the most part this past year...maybe.  Regardless, this time 20 years ago I had my entire adult life ahead of me.  Now...well, I'm choosing to believe I still have lots of time left, but I think it's also safe to say it's time to step up my game and use everything I've learned over the past 20 years and set the next 20 on fire!  I still see myself as unique...maybe not as much (or as special) as I did at 18, but I still (for some crazy, unexplainable reason) think I have something big to accomplish, or that I'm somehow meant for...what?  Something extraordinary...at least that's what I've always thought.  But...I've also almost always just let life happen to me and while I think that was okay 20 years ago, it sure as hell isn't going to get me to "something extraordinary" now.  


So, now what?  Well, I think I covered most of that in the previous post.  I have this feeling about 2015.  I didn't really have that feeling about 2014.  But, this is different.  And, I realize that by putting that out there, I am setting myself up for possible ridicule but what I'm hoping for is the opposite...encouragement, perhaps...good vibes, maybe...something we all need if we're totally honest. I have a couple really big things I'm thinking about for this year - none of which I'm ready to share just yet - but, that I know I will need "cheerleaders" for.  


Here's to 2014...it was what it was...nothing more, nothing less.  Here's to 2015...all of its potential, all of its possibility...may we greet it with anticipation and excitement, holding nothing back and taking the days in front of us by the lapels wasting no opportunity and taking no one put in our path for granted.