I still regret nothing...regret being the key word. There are definitely things I wish had gone differently, words I wish I had (or hadn't) said, hugs I wish I had given, anger I wish I had controlled better, initiative I wish I had taken, moments I wish I hadn't let slip by and effort I wish I had made. But, as always, I can't go back. I can only go forward. Never once do I think I wasted time on anyone. Never once do I regret extending grace - not in my professional or my personal life. I feel less guarded, but wiser. It might be the little voice inside of me screaming to trust my gut, demanding to be heard, pushing me to stop being so damn cautious and just do and say all the shit I've been holding back.
2015 marks 20 years as an adult. A milestone of sorts, I suppose. I don't really care about a reunion. I see the friends I most care about as much as possible (well, is that really true? I'm also fairly certain I haven't been making the same effort to see my girlfriends as I wish.), and while I wouldn't mind seeing others I grew up with, I'm really not interested in coordinating the thing. Later this year I will turn 38. I'm shaking my head even as I write this. I mean, really. Thirty-eight. It's a number, I know, and one half of my best friends have already hit beautifully, yet for some reason it just sounds weird. Maybe because I feel like I should have accomplished more by now? Maybe because I'm terrified of time passing by at the rapid rate it seems to be? Maybe because of all that crap I said above about sitting idle for the most part this past year...maybe. Regardless, this time 20 years ago I had my entire adult life ahead of me. Now...well, I'm choosing to believe I still have lots of time left, but I think it's also safe to say it's time to step up my game and use everything I've learned over the past 20 years and set the next 20 on fire! I still see myself as unique...maybe not as much (or as special) as I did at 18, but I still (for some crazy, unexplainable reason) think I have something big to accomplish, or that I'm somehow meant for...what? Something extraordinary...at least that's what I've always thought. But...I've also almost always just let life happen to me and while I think that was okay 20 years ago, it sure as hell isn't going to get me to "something extraordinary" now.
So, now what? Well, I think I covered most of that in the previous post. I have this feeling about 2015. I didn't really have that feeling about 2014. But, this is different. And, I realize that by putting that out there, I am setting myself up for possible ridicule but what I'm hoping for is the opposite...encouragement, perhaps...good vibes, maybe...something we all need if we're totally honest. I have a couple really big things I'm thinking about for this year - none of which I'm ready to share just yet - but, that I know I will need "cheerleaders" for.
Here's to 2014...it was what it was...nothing more, nothing less. Here's to 2015...all of its potential, all of its possibility...may we greet it with anticipation and excitement, holding nothing back and taking the days in front of us by the lapels wasting no opportunity and taking no one put in our path for granted.