I've been...off, not myself the past couple weeks. Work has taught me a couple hard-earned lessons - mostly in regards to setting better boundaries for myself. It's no secret that I'm an emotionally-lead person. I have a hard time doing what I do without investing emotionally in my families, but I've learned the hard way that it's vital to remember what I do is truly just my job and that I am not responsible for the choices others make. I have to remind myself that, for the most part, what we are doing is planting seeds and that I can't care more about them than they are willing to care about themselves. Life isn't easy for any of us, but, for the most part, it's the choices we make that determine the quality of the life we have. I just have a hard time watching people make really awful choices when I can see potential in them to live much better lives. Again...these are not my lives to live. Not my choices to make. Not my mistakes to live with. It is simply my job.
So, I took the past few days to reset myself. I didn't check email - not even my personal one really, and basically forgot about that part of my life for a bit. I focused on the people around me and have spent some time really thinking about who and what I want in my life now and for the future. I'm not sure if it's because my birthday is coming - I know, I put a lot of stock in one day, but for some reason it's always been more of a mile marker for me than say New Year's - but, I have this strange feeling that something is about to happen...I have no idea what, or if it's good or bad, but it's there. Honestly, I've tried to ignore it. Mostly because I have no reason to believe anything, one way or another, is coming my way. I'm not moving. I love my job. While would love to take a vacation, nothing is planned. I thought about buying a new car, but have decided to hold off for now. I don't know if something is about to be added to my life, or taken away...I just know I feel like something is about to change.
It's no secret that I love sunsets. I love that no matter what the weather has been like, God takes a minute to give us something beautiful to look at and reminds us that the day is done...no matter what we did with it, it is done and we can let it go...an extension of absolute grace. But, this morning, I once again remember why it was that I used to love sunrises more...there is something about the way the sky lights up with all the potential of the day before we have the opportunity to mess anything up. To me, it's the truest form of purity... As a child I woke early, long before any of my family, and spent sometimes two hours alone almost everyday. If I had spent the night with my Gran I would join her in the kitchen for breakfast and a game of solitaire before anyone else woke up. While I now love sleeping in, I still love a little time to myself before M gets up...it centers me and helps me feel more prepared for whatever the day holds. I often think I should make a point to get up earlier more often rather than just when I can't sleep, but rarely make a point to give myself much time on purpose these days.
So...I promised myself last Thursday that I would start this week with a new outlook...that I would be back to myself and be refocused. I had lost a lot of my drive, my willingness to care, my kindness...I don't like that version of me...it causes me to disconnect from everything and everyone - almost like a protective measure I guess. But, this morning, I feel better...more like myself - more connected, more attentive, more focused and more driven. My girl is home this week. It's summer. It's my birthday month (hehehe!). I have much to be thankful for and am focusing on that and the people I get to live life with. I'm gonna pour another cup of coffee and finish getting ready to tackle today.