First of all...thank you. To those of you who have asked why this sad little site has been so neglected for the past several months...thank you. Thank you for caring enough about not only this site, but, more importantly, me. You know me well enough to know that if I'm not writing there's a reason, and I suppose you're correct. Although, I can't give you a specific reason...other than that the thoughts, the words, just haven't come. Sure, they pop in and out of my head in stops and starts, but never with any real substance or depth. I've been scattered and emotionally drained and, if I'm completely honest, felt I had nothing to offer so I just didn't try. No, no...I'm NOT asking for pity. It's just where I've been...sort of stuck in my head without the ability to process my thoughts and feelings enough to share them or put them to good use. But...as any writer knows...you have to start somewhere, so that's what I'm doing. Starting. Again. Now. I mean...the damn book isn't gonna write itself!
So, here we go...
I've never been much of a goal setter. Well, not at all really. But, what I am is candid and honest and transparent because at almost 39 I've decided it's not worth the energy to be anything else. I read Cheryl Strayed and Elizabeth Gilbert and Brene' Brown...all brutally honest and exceptionally real women I admire for those two facts alone. They put it all out there. They face guilt and shame head-on. They dig deep into the gritty ugliness that all relationships are surrounded by in the sheer hope that if we fight hard enough through the shit we come out on the other side with a sense of bravery and complete acceptance that does not exist otherwise. And I agree. Perhaps it's that I crave that type of relationship. Perhaps I long to be fully accepted and loved that completely. To put all my guilt and shame and fear and ugliness on the table and have someone look through it all and tell me I'm just the right amount of "enough". I mean, don't we all long to "fit" just perfectly with someone? I think that comes with a lot of work and dedication. We have to be committed to seeing those in our lives with acceptance and grace.
I used to start every morning with the same prayer..."help me to see others as you see them and help others to see You (Jesus) in me". Somewhere along the way I stopped praying....and now I find myself unable, like the words just won't come. And I fear He couldn't hear me even if they did. I know. I know. That's not how it works. But...when it's been a while (sorta like writing), you start to wonder if He's given up on you. Again, I KNOW this isn't how it works, but just like how we KNOW we should or shouldn't do something yet because of our FEELINGS, we go ahead and charge full-steam ahead anyway. Knowing and doing are two very different things.
My life is sorta upside down...and I'm working really hard to process some things to get me outta this...funk. I'm hoping that if I start writing again I will get there. Hoping. And praying. I spent a couple really great days in LA a while back and for the first time in years saw a glimpse of the girl I've been missing. I'm fairly certain the weight of the past several years (and by several, I'm gonna go with somewhere around ten with little ups and some really major downs mixed in) has stripped me down and taken some of the best parts of me away. And for a brief couple of days I felt like the old me...no anxiety, no fear, no shame, no guilt, no worries...just me. I felt whole again. I know, it probably sounds dumb, and I'm willing to risk that to somehow find my way back to that completeness permanently. I mentioned during that trip that I hadn't felt that good in years...that he hadn't ever seen me, or known me, like that. I know that getting away was part of it. I know that feeling loved briefly was part of it. I know that being near the ocean was part of it. I know that taking time to just...be still was a lot of it. I found peace on a stretch of beach in southern California and I felt loved and whole. I have been fighting reality for a long time. I've loved people who haven't been able to fully love me. Sure, they've loved me as best they could, but I've ended up feeling as though I wasn't enough, or that I wanted too much. Never the right fit, and, ultimately, no one's fault. As Elizabeth Gilbert says...I see potential in people (men primarily) that may never exist. I WANT more for people than they may ever even want for themselves. It's the perpetual cheerleader in me and it tends to screw me in the end. I love hard and hang on even when I should let go. I see a future that may or may not (okay, given my track record, NOT is clearly the reality) exist. And I want us to be the best versions of ourselves even if we aren't actually there yet. Talk about a false reality. So...I'm learning. The hard way.
There are a few things I know...by now we are all broken. But...it's that brokenness that ultimately makes us able to love completely. Just hear me out. You can't know light without darkness. You can't feel joy without pain. So...in the same regard, you have the ability to feel true love after you've felt true heartbreak. We live life in extremes. We feel and love deeply...well, hopefully...and it's this depth that gives way to complete acceptance. At least that's what I think. But, then again, I'm single so I could be full of crap. Either way...it is in our brokenness that we find truth. When we are cracked open we have no choice but to seek out our truest selves. And then...at least in my opinion...we are able to truly love.
Again...who am I to give advice on this subject? All I know is, I think life is meant to be shared AND I know I want to feel the way I felt for a couple days in early February again... So, that's where I am. There's more to come. Tune in next time when we'll explore.... I'm kidding. But, really. I'm sure there's plenty to process (cause I'm a hot mess) so come back and we'll see what else I can come up with.