I woke early this morning...6:05 early...on a Saturday...the day I had hoped to sleep in a little, but my mind and body had different things in mind it seems. I laid there for a bit, next to the little blonde who had slept next to me after a long, exhausting day...I tried to fall back to sleep and finally gave up. I reached for the book I've been falling asleep with nightly for the past couple weeks and read the final few pages, and there I found these words:
"What chance do we have, a couple like us?"
"We have a chance. It's all any of us gets."
"We could get hurt."
"We've survived it before...And maybe we could fall in love."
It's a book, I know. It's not real life, but for someone like me who puts more stock in words than most people, those words were like magic to me...whispering at first, then almost screaming at me to hear what they had to say. My favorite line? "We have a chance. It's all any of us gets." But why? I think it's because I love thinking that there is something to the unplanned amazingness that comes from taking a chance...that sometimes we meet someone and no matter what might stand in the way, we are able to do just that - take a chance. The most honest line? "We could get hurt." Yep, we sure could. And, realistically, the odds are we will because in a relationship there are two humans; each ridiculously, beautifully flawed with individual hopes, dreams, fears and desires. We will each screw up, hopefully always on accident but sometimes our selfishness gets in the way and we make really poor choices that are a bit more on purpose than on accident. But, we get a chance...a chance to make someone else happy...a chance to make ourselves happy.
Someone asked me the other day if I think I need someone to make me happy. Here's the thing...I buy into a mix of "we need to be good with ourselves before we can be good for anyone else" and the equally cheesy and cliche' "you complete me" line of thinking. I do think we need to be emotionally healthy (as clinical and non-romantic as that sounds) as an individual before we can give the best of ourselves to someone else, but...I also think there is something to finding someone who adds so much to your life that they fill the gaps, the empty spaces not necessarily left by others, but simply makes you a better person. I used to believe there was one person for each of us...yes, a little girl's fairy tale. I was sure of it. Then life happened and as I've gotten older, experienced more, met more people, had different types of connections with different people, fell in love, got my heart broke (lather, rinse, repeat)...and, maybe most importantly, got to know myself and what I want/don't want better; I've come to realize it's just not that simple. Okay, maybe for some people, but clearly not for me. I now think there are many people we could be happy with. I very much believe there are people we are destined to be connected to throughout our lives - I have a tiny, delicate red ribbon on the inside of my left wrist to remind me of this - people who serve very specific purposes within our life, and us in theirs, as friends, lovers, business partners, whatever. I just have a really hard time letting go when it's clear we've gotten all we can from each other. And...the hopeless romantic in me wants to believe in something less practical...something akin to being swept off my feet, head over heels, can't hardly breathe because I am so in love sorta thing. Does that exist? Oh, I'm sure it does, but I think there's more to be said for the ever-practical relationship that's built over time, often starting as friends with mutual interests and trust as the underlining foundation - at least at this point in my life. So...what I've decided is this...I want to write my own fairy tale...well, more specifically, write it with someone...a fairy tale full of trust, and respect, and laughter, and shared values, and the ability to share everything, even the hard stuff, and true forgiveness for our shortcomings, and absolute understanding and acceptance of who we are separately and together, and (let's be honest) can't take your hands off of me passion, and unconditional love that doesn't diminish but grows with time and gray hair and slowed steps... Is that too much? Maybe. But, that's the fairy tale I wanna write and I'm not giving up on it because..."We have a chance. That's all any of us gets."