Year of change…

This year has been one filled with such intense change. I thought about writing often, but if I took the time to put pen to paper it meant I had to stop moving long enough that the feelings would be…too much. I haven’t had the emotional energy, the capacity…the words most of the time…for all I’ve been feeling…all I continue to feel. But, tonight as Ollie and I made our way around our new neighborhood, I watched a mom turn down the road in the hurried way parents do at the end of the day when rushing home to their families and I heard the slam of a car door followed by a young voice yelling “Mommy!” as only children do when their world once again feels complete. And I felt this rush of emotions…see, in the span of a few short months I lost my mom and my daughter left for college…and I feel unmoored in a way I don’t really know how to describe. I’m certain many have felt the same way…our roles change in life many times and we are left with holes we have to fill and wounds we must bandage until a scar forms creating tender reminders of what once was. Life is full of change. Some we create and some we can’t help but try and survive. Nothing that has happened this past year is tragic…it is the nature of life, part of my story…but closing chapters is rarely easy and often calls for more reflection than we have energy to give. I am wrestling with many things and likely will for some time. Questions without solid answers, thoughts that border on regrets, missed opportunities that creep in and remind me that life is very short and our priorities aren’t always where they need to be…moments I scold myself for wasting, words I didn’t find the time to say, lessons I didn’t teach…and lessons I didn’t ask to learn. These are my burdens, my cross to bear. Nothing extraordinary, but mine all the same. I’m the same token, I am thankful for the moments I did get this year…things I hope to write about when the words come…moments I couldn’t have orchestrated and moments I am so glad I didn’t miss. The culmination of change came with beautiful nightly sunsets overlooking a peaceful pond and the quiet my soul was craving. Change. So much change. But, the beauty in the background is so worth it.